


Reverent Kindness

by if_i_go_there_will_be_trouble



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Multi, Political Campaigns, Religious Conflict, planet manipulation, political manipulation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:18:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8040451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/if_i_go_there_will_be_trouble/pseuds/if_i_go_there_will_be_trouble
Summary: Your mother told you not to go, before she died.  Where?  It wasn't until later Luke came, and Leia.  And you left your father, the king, your crown, your world, to be trained in the Force.You survived the massacre.Then the First Order comes to secure a trade with your planet, and you get a job as an officer.Rules of survival: keep the mask on (so Kylo can't see you- or Ben?), keep your emotions turned off, and do not use the Force.





	1. Remember, Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exposition. Pure exposition.

I was young, barely eight, when Leia came to my home. She was trying to secure a trade agreement with my father, the king, the vessel of the sun. Our planet was, is, rich with mineral mines from volcanic activity, making it one of the most profitable places in the galaxy. But we lacked for technology other planets obtained easily. My father agreed to have her, and her brother, Jedi master Luke, come to visit our home world sign the documents.

My mother was the vessel of the moon, and she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Many people reiterated that fact, so maybe it wasn’t just because of the way a small child can see their mother. The mantel had passed to me when she died suddenly. Luke and Leia came on my coronation day. It was supposed to be an occasion for celebration. But I spent most of the day on my father’s lap, curled into his chest, refusing to moving from him as women tried to lure me away with dresses and sweets. I wanted to cry a bit longer. Hold onto him a bit longer. Stay a child in his arms.

I looked up at him and could see a sliver of his face underneath the sun mask he wore. I could see the stubble on his chin and above his lips where he didn’t shave, too desolate in his wife’s loss to keep up proper appearances.

The mask he wore was an ornamental gold piece that covered his eyes and forehead, with a grating over his eyes so he could see but not be completely seen. It was carved with intricate scenes. He explained it once to me, saying it was the story of how the sun gifted the ability to rule to his family, forming a dynasty. I asked him if it was a true story. He said it was more of a metaphor, but the mask meant everything. It was important in that it made the ruler seem like everyone and no one. It made them seem like they were both God and man, citizen and king. I never quite understood that.

When Luke and Leia arrived to greet my father, I was still in his lap, clutching onto his golden robes as he softly rubbed my arm, planting a small kiss on the crown of my head.

“Sun King,” Luke said, with a diplomatic bow, “we are honored by your invitation and proud to be representing our peoples at your daughter’s coronation.”

Leia nodded at her brother’s words, and I looked up at her through my father’s arms. She was beautiful in her own right, and had a regal quality about her, as if she could control anything she wanted, as if the galaxy was hers, but she knew its dangers.

Beside her, there was her brother, a man with very blue eyes and a small smile. He seemed to bring a new calm to the room, a sense of serenity and peace.

And then there were two more people. Two more than I expected, and four more than I wanted. There was a tall man in a brown best and white shirt, standing between Leia and a boy with black hair and eyes. He was my age, if not a year older, and seemed to be wide eyed and curious, staring around at the dome of my father’s throne room and the mask my father wore.

“We welcome you,” my father said, a low sound from deep in his throat. I could tell he had been crying. “We are glad you were able to come, especially in our recent loss. Your presence will give us comfort in our time of need.”

“I would like to introduce my husband and son, Han and Ben Solo.” Leia said.

My father nodded at both in turn, then replied, “And this is my daughter.” He slid me off his lap and I stood by him, then he gave me a small push forward and I went straight to Luke, the one I felt I could meet first. He held out his hand and I took it in both of mine, quickly working off the black love he wore over it. Under it was a mechanical skeleton. I shook my head sadly, carefully fit the glove back on his hand and put out my hand again. He didn’t move for a minute, and then I acted, taking his other hand and studying the palm lines as my mother had once taught me to do.

‘Look for anything that seems malicious. Any bad intent.’ I had asked her, as I always seemed to do, ‘Does it actually work, Mama?’ She would smile at me, and said, ‘Not for many people. But you seem to have the gift, my love.’

It was said that a long time ago there was a moon vessel who was a reader like me. He helped his queen, the vessel of the sun, unite the continents under her rule. It became part of our greeting ceremony that the moon vessel took our visitors’ hands in theirs and pretended to read their intentions. But for some reason I actually could do it. Mama said I should be proud. I more felt like I was intruding in on other people’s lives.

I looked at his palm and saw something, a flash of an odd thought that wasn’t mine.You are nothing and everything like your father, it said to me.

He seemed startled but didn’t retract his hand, and I carefully took my hands from his. He looked at me like I was an odd new animal. He looked at me like I was impressive. I didn’t know why. Did he see something in me? I didn’t like it at all, the confusion and uncertainty. But he was still a good man.

Then I went to Leia and took her hand in mine.You suffer greatly, but for all the right reasons to hurt, it told me.

Leia exchanged looks with Luke and took her hand back from me.

I took Han’s hand in mine. “What’re you looking for, kiddo?” He asked me jovially.

You’re a liar. And charming. And you thought that meant you should be a charming liar. But instead you’re all bravery, it revealed to me.

And then I went to the boy, and he didn’t put his hand out for me. I shook my head and took him by the wrist, but he tried to pull away before he father gave him a glare and he allowed me to take his hand in mine.

I saw anger. I saw pain. I saw hurt and mistrust and loss and confusion. I closed be fingers onto the palm to make a fist.

I went back to my father and stood on my tip toes to whisper in his ear.

“Who are you trading with?” I asked him.

“Master Luke and Leia.” He replied.

“They’re good people. I would trust them.” I replied.

“I apologize if there’s any confusion.” He said to our guests, referring to Han’s bemused face. “My daughter is a reader.”

“A reader?” Queried Luke.

“A very rare gift. She can tell a person’s intentions just by looking at their hands.” My father beamed at me, proud of my ability.

“How did you find out she had this ‘gift’?” Like asked.

“When she started to talk, she knew things we didn’t even know about ourselves. She’s my amazing little beast.” He said affectionately.

Then an attending woman of my mother’s came and took my hand in hers, pulling me finally from my father to begin the preparations for the ceremony.  I looked over my shoulder and back at my father, still being pulled along.  I waved my hand slightly, but he was already talking to our guests.  The only person who noticed was Ben, the boy with the black hair, who looked over at me and waved back.

The ceremony was held five miles outside the citadel, in an open field near an inactive volcano.   The mineral from the cooled lava had allowed a growth of wild flowers that were only able to survive on for a short time during the spring.  I walked through the streets, and people came from their houses and joined me as we walked together, as a crowd, towards the field.  Sometimes I would catch sight of Luke and Leia, even Han, laughing as he spoke to someone new he just met.  When I looked to my left, Ben was there.

I reached out for his hand, trying to steady myself.  As first he slid from my grasp, then he replaced his hand in mine.  “Are you scared?” He murmured.

“I don’t know.” I whispered.  “Please, stay here.”

“Okay,” he replied.  

When we got to the field, I didn’t want to let go of his hand, but Han took him by his shoulders and led him away to where Luke and Leia were sitting on the ground.  I waited until the people were seated, looking up at the moon in the darkening sky.

I walked through the people, letting my hands reach out to touch theirs as I went by.  I came to the front of the crowd, and on a small stage, there were the three elected leaders of each continent, a farmer and a miner.  I took a rag and a basin of rose water from the edge of the stage.  I washed their feet, hands and faces one by one.  I got to Dasha, who had been a dear friend of my mother’s and the leader of the eastern continent.  She wore blue silk and a watery smile.  While I washed her face, she said to me, “I’m so sorry, darling.  About your mother.  I miss her.”  I bowed my head to Dasha and continued onto the miner, trying not to cry.

I then came to my father, who sat at the end of the row.  He stood, and lifted the mask up towards the moon and then put it on my face.  I tied the cloth in the back, and turned to the crowd.  They erupted into cheers.  

I watched as everyone left to go back to the palace to continue the celebration.  I would be the last person to go, with my father leading the people.  I was told to wait until the last person left, and then until I couldn’t see them anymore.  

I thought about what I was supposed to be now.  I was supposed to be an orator, a diplomat, an artist, a warrior, right hand to the king.  I wasn’t any of those things in my head.  I was still a kid.  And I would have given anything to go back to when I was sitting in my father’s lap.

The last person left was Ben.  He stood there, staring at me like he wanted to ask a question.  

“You’re supposed to go back to the palace.” I said.

“I didn’t want to leave you behind.” He said.

“That’s how it’s supposed to be.” I said.

He nodded and walked towards the palace, as I waited.

The next morning my father called me into the throne room.  I put on my mask and came to him as quickly as I could.  I wanted to take his hand like I usually did, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to.  Luke and Leia were with him.  I inclined my head at each of them.

“Y/N, Master Luke wants to see you.  He thinks there is something different about you.” My father said.

I stepped towards Luke and stared at his very blue eyes. Then I felt something odd, like someone was looking into me without me knowing they were there, like when you feel someone staring but don’t know who.  It continued on, making me shiver slightly, uncomfortable.  TIt only stopped when Luke looked away.

“She is force-sensitive.” Luke affirmed.  

My father put one hand to his shoulder, what he did when he was distraught or thinking.

“The best future for her would be with Luke.  Untrained, this kind of power can cause issues-” Leia started.  

“But she’s my daughter.” My father said.

“And Ben’s my son.  But I trust him with Luke.” Leia replied.

I realized what was happening.  They wanted to take me away.  They wanted to train me to be a Jedi.  I went to my father.  

“What do you think, Y/N?  Do you want to go?” He asked me.

“What would be best?  For our planet?  What would make me a better Moon?” I asked.

My father stared at me, and then he took me in his arms, pulling me onto his lap.  “It would be best for you to go.  But I would miss you.”


	2. Vices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Order visits.

_I sat by myself on the dock.  I was humming an old song I had learned.  I still wasn’t used to the alien sky.  I still wasn’t used to not seeing my moon in the night.  I shook my head.  I had arrived at the Jedi training camp a few weeks after my thirteenth birthday.  I recognized Ben when I arrived.  But he didn’t realize who I was.  For the sake of safety, my father insisted I didn’t take my mask, and said I was a miner’s daugher from my planet instead of the vessel of the moon.  I accepted his terms.  It took him a long while before he let me actually go to the Jedi based planet.  For the most part I had been studying books Luke sent me and trying to teach myself.  It wasn’t until I accidentally threw a vase at the wall (during a fight with Zepher, the military leader’s son) without touching it that my father gave in and sent we away._

_And I missed home.  All my stars and the sun and my moon I missed my home._

_I heard someone coming and looked behind me.  It was Ben, taller and stronger, but like I remembered, standing over me._

_“This is where I usually sit.” He stated._

_“We can share.” I threw back._

_“I like to be alone.” He said._

_“So do I.  But I don’t think either of us is going anywhere else, so you might as well sit down and stop whining.”_

_He sat down next to me.  “You must be new.” He said._

_“I just arrived from Bellala.” I said._

_“Bellala?” He asked._

_I shot him a look, wondering if he would recognize me.  “You know it?”_

_“I was there when your queen- or whatever she was- was coronated.”_

_“What was she like?  Was she like what I’ve heard?” I asked, pretending to be fascinated by myself.  It was really narcissistic.  But Ben hadn’t realized it was me, and I had promised my father to act like a miner’s daugher._

_“She was just some kid.  Some scared kid.” He said._

_I pretended to be crestfallen.  “Oh- well.  Aren’t we all?” I murmured.  “Do you miss your home?”_

_“Nothing to miss.”  He said.  “Would imply you had something worth having.”_

 

 

Leia stood in the throne room.  This time, she was alone.  I saw she had suffered, like I had once read in her hand.  

“Sun King, I hope you will continue to honor our trade agreement in such a time as this.” Leia said.

My father stood.  Age had done him no favors, but he was still trying to maintain his posture, his regal nature, even as the years erode him.  

“The First Order is pressuring me to end our agreement and begin a similar one with them- don’t you have enough metal?  Haven’t you taken enough?” My father was being rather rough to the General.

“At times like these- we don’t need metal- that we do have enough of.  We need support.” Leia answered.

“Twenty years ago you came to my palace with your brother.  And you signed a trade agreement that allowed half our mining to go to you.  But you took something else, as well.  You took my daughter.”  He said.

Leia looked at her hands, breathing as steadily as she could.  “I regret her loss.  I do.”

“Especially given it was at the hands of your son.” My father continued on.

Leia stared at him, her eyes widening a fraction.  “How did you know that?”

“My darling-” he said, gesturing for me to come forward.  “I give you the permission to remove your mask.”

“You have a flair for the dramatic, father.” I said, untying the cloth and letting it come off my face.  

Leia stared at my visage, and after a moment of surprise, her eyes turned to calculations.  I could see something manifesting itself in her head.  

“You almost killed my daughter.  You promised she would be safe, and she wasn’t.” My father continued on.  “She was able to lie under the bodies of her peers and the Knights thought she was dead.  We didn’t know what had happened, and after three weeks of no correspondence, we sent a cruiser.  My daughter had spent her time burning the bodies so they could rest.”

“But she’s alive.” Leia said.  She looked to my father, then to me.  And she addressed me for the first time, out of custom.  “Y/N, you can make all the difference.  You could change everything.”

I put a hand up.  “I don’t want flattery.” I said.  “I want to know what you’re thinking.”

“If you were to sever ties with the Resistance- and start a trade agreement with the First Order- you could insist on becoming one of their officers.  You would be in the perfect position to bring them down- as soon as we need a little extra push.” She explained.  

I smiled at her, and then at my father.  But he was frowning, upset by the notion.  “I’m not sending her into a war zone again.”

“The plot has some holes in it.” I mentioned. “It’s lucky I went as a different name as a padawan, and lucky Ben- Kylo- never realized who I was when I was training with him.  That gives us a small advantage.  But in order to maintain it- I would need to keep my mask on at all times.  And, if he senses my force-sensitivity- it’ll all fall apart.”

“Will you do it?” Leia asked, pressing on.

“Y/N?” My father said, softly.  “If I lose you again, Y/N,” my father warned, “I will join the war.”

“I’ll do it.” I said, quietly, to both my father and Leia.  “I’ll do it.”

“You aren’t reading the file on the people we are about to make an important diplomatic deal with Ren.” Hux said to his companion.

“I’ve been here before. I know the people well enough.” Kylo stated.

  
“When? Did you get some vacation days and decide to visit?” Hux teased, leafing through the file on his data pad without much interest.

  
Kylo didn’t respond.

  
“They seem to be a people steeped in religious ceremony to some pagan beliefs. The fact that the elected rulers of the three continents haven’t broken off and decided to overthrow the king is a complete mistake. On their parts.”

  
“Not everyone has rebellion and war on their minds.” Kylo responded coolly.

  
“Yes,” agreed Hux, “only the people with ambition.  But they’re resources are undeniably essential. Their mining practices are streamlined to an astonishing extent. They have veins of rare metal that run all over their planet.”

  
“So you will let their queen join our forces to secure these assets?”

  
“I would kill my highest ranking officers to have this. Even though you seem to take care of their deaths without much thought.” Hux replied.   
  
I stood by my father in the throne room, my mask becoming warm as it sat longer and longer on my face. Two men entered through the high vaulted doors. Our guards instructed them to remove masks and weapons and step forward. The guards, out of the need for anonymity and respect, left through the doors and left the four of us facing one another.

The man on the right was tall and on the lean side, with a carefully maintained head of red hair. He wore a black uniform and stood like there was a steel beam down his back, with his hand clasped firmly behind himself.

And then there was the man to the left, tall and stronger looking, with a high collar and black robes parodying the robes that I once knew my masters to wear. He had black curls that moved in soft waves down to his neck. He had the nose I remembered so well, the high cheekbones and fair skin. I wanted to both run to him in anger and in a deep sense of affection.

  
I held my place by my father.

  
“We welcome you as honored guests on our world. We offer you anything and all you need in your stay here to remain comfortable.”

  
“We thank you for your kindness, Sun King. I am General Hux and this is Lord Ren. We offer our services as you offer us yours.” The red haired man replied, in perfect sync with the introductions necessary to show respect to my father.

  
I stepped from my father’s side and took measures strides to the two men. I put out my hands to receive Hux’s in mine, and he placed a bare hand in mine. I looked over the palm lines and saw his ambition, his ruthless nature. I saw his manipulation, his cunning.

  
I released his hand and moved to Kylo, my hands cupping for his. He took the glove off his right hand and let me take his wide hand in mine. I saw what I saw before, when he had been here so long ago. Pain. Hurt. Loss. Confusion. Mistrust. I folded his fingers onto his palm to make a fist and replaced it by his side.

  
I walked back to my father, and leaned to his ear. “They’re manipulative. Cruel. Very clever. They have both suffered, but Lord Ren much more than the general.”

  
“We thank you,” my father said softly, as if he had heard nothing new to him, “that you submit to our old practices.”  Hux bowed his head slightly.  “Y/N, would you mind leaving?  We have to begin trade negotiations.”

“Of course.” I said.  

I walked to the courtyard, untying my mask on the way.  I sat down on the fountain in the middle of the courtyard and traced the surface of the water with my fingertips.  The air felt good on my face.  When I was younger I didn’t have to wear that mask so often.  The sun wore a mask all the time, but the moon only wore it around strangers and during ceremonies.  But if I were to leave my planet- I would wear it all the time.  Never taking it off.  I wondered if I would get used to it. Or it would make me face feel hot and sick.  

“Y/N?”  Julee, my half-sister called out.  

“Over here, Julee,” I called back.  She came running to me with Dawus on her heels.  

“Y/N!” She yelled, and climbed into my lap.  She was barely four, and looked like her mother, Dasha.  I bounced her lightly on my knee.  

“Zepher said to Maria he could take you in a fight.” Dawus said.  “I told him he was liar.” Zepher was the son of our military counselor, Calum.  Maria was the adopted daughter of our union leader, Lilia.  Maira was very beautiful: tall and graceful, with a soft laugh and easy smile and wide eyes.  Zepher was head over heels for her.  But he knew I was a much better fighter.  I rolled my eyes and ignored it.

“He knows he’s wrong.  Doesn’t mean much of anything.”  I stood Julee up and took off my sandals, tying my dress in a knot at my hip and stepping into the fountain, which was a couple feet deep, before doing even deeper towards the middle.  It felt so cool and good on my skin.  Julee took her shoes off and tried to tie her dress up as well, but it unknotted itself and fell into the water, getting soaking.  She looked down at it and seemed to get upset, almost embarrassed.  I shook my head and sat right down in the water.  Julee stared at me and laughed.  

I splashed some of the water at Dawus and he yelled and hopped in next to us, all of us splashing back and forth, swimming deeper and deeper into the water and kicking to stay afloat.  

I heard voices coming towards the courtyard and panicked.  I stood and ran as I could to the fountain’s edge, reaching down just in time to pull the mask on my face but not tie it.

Hux, Kylo Ren and my father rounded the corner into the courtyard.  I tied the back of my mask and Julee came to my side, staring at the strangers and pulling on the fabric of my dress.  I picked her up, resting her on my hip as I looked at my father and the guests.  

Kylo Ren had his mask back on, his expression unreadable.  Hux, though, looked at me with some sort of confusion and surprise, turning his eyes away as if I was not presentable.  

“Y/N, why’s he got a mask on?” Julee asked me.  

“It’s like why I wear a mask, or father.  It means something to us.”  I murmured.  “Forgive me if I seem a little unkempt to you, General and Lord Ren.”

“It is a non-issue.” Kylo Ren said, turning to my father.  

“Y/N, come with us,” my father said.  I put Julee down and squeezed the knot of my dress, then untying it so it fell its full length, but still hanging closely on my body.  I had forgotten from when I was a child that a lot of other people were embarrassed by even something close to nudity.  The General’s pointed gaze at anything but me reminded me of that fact.  It was so odd.  

“Yes, father.” I said.  I fitted the sandals on my feet quickly and took long strides to his side.  He put one hand on my shoulder and tightened his grip, as if to reassure me.  

“The trade agreement has a clause- as you wanted- that your daughter would have the chance to join the First Order.  But for her to be properly placed, we will have to do testing.”  Hux explained.

“What kind of testing?” I asked.

“Intelligence, psychological, health.  A few things.” Hux went on.

“Fair enough.” I said. “Come to my room in the morning, I will take them then.”

 

 

 

I woke up early that morning and opened the doors to my balcony. I was high up, far from intrusive eyes and possible interruptions. I struck a match against the rough side of a wood box and lit a cigarette, taking a few deep exhales. It was a habit I had picked up from Zepher, and tried to kick, but to no major success. It was an archaic drug, but we still sold allowed.   
  
I heard a knock at my door and I put in my mask and tied the cloth ends of it right about my skull and went to answer the door, softly pulling it open. Hux stood outside the door, and I softly lowered my head.   
  
"We must begin testing as soon as possible to accurately place you in our initiative.” He informed me.   
  
“The tower is free around this time. We can go there.” I responded. “Come in for a moment, General.” I gestured with the cigarette, and he entered the room after me.  
  
“You smoke?” He asked.   
  
“You care to join me?” I offered, taking another of the rolled papers from my drawer. He took it from me, and I lit a match and cupped my hand, allowing him to breathe in on the filter and light the tobacco. “I know, it might seem like an odd habit to get into.”  
  
“Everyone has there vices. Even me.” Hux replied, walking with me out to the balcony, where we stood together, surveying the metropolis.   
  
“What are your vices, General?” I probed.   
  
“You know one, now.” He replied. “One is more than enough.”   
  
I nodded slowly, thinking about what kind of man he might be. I saw some aspects of him. But how could I trick him? Keep up this facade? Would it be difficult? Or impossible?  
  
“What do the tests entail?” I asked him, making small talk as I ashed the cigarette.   
  
“We put small electrodes on your head, where ever is fine. Then we show certain pictures to you. We get a map of brain activity within ten minutes. From there we can ascertain basic intelligence levels in differing areas, such as emotional and tactical, and even get a psychological reading.”  
  
“Fascinating,” I said. I tried to turn my face away as I blew smoke, in an effort to hide any show of nervousness. This could mean trouble, an end to what I had been so carefully trying to achieve for General Organa. “Did you take the tests?” I asked.   
  
“A long time ago, when I was a child in school. It was necessary to enter into the First Order.”  
  
“And of course you did well.” I said. “Well, no point in delaying.” Hux stood aside to let me lead the way to the tower.   
  
I sat across from Hux as he put the electrodes on my slightly exposed temples, having to work around the mask slightly. He then gave me his data pad and played a slide show. Sometimes there were pictures of abstract art work. Sometimes of a family. Sometimes war. Sometimes equations. Each would flick through before I could completely register them.   
  
Afterwards he removed the electrodes and stood, taking the data pad from me and entering some more information, then flicking through the report it had come up with.   
  
“Tell your father Ren and I will meet with him at eleven hundred hours.” He said, and turned on his heel, leaving me in the room.   
  
I tried to take slow and measured breaths, to calm my heart, which was beating like a madman against a jail cell wall.   
  
  
  
“Your daughter’s test scores in intelligence would set her up to be a colonel, maybe a Lieutenant General.   What was interesting was her psychological tests. Her scores indicate past trauma that could have been equivalent to wartime shell shock. Which is interesting for a girl that lives on a planet that has been at peace for so long.” He looked up at my father as if for an answer.  
  
My father gave none.   
  
“In order for us to accept her, we must understand some of the circumstances she was under. Otherwise her mental state deems her unfit for higher positions.” Hux continued.   
  
My father shook his head and turned to me, taking my hand in his. “I understand your concern. Maybe you fear my daughter worked for the Resistance. But she hasn’t. Right after her mother died Master Luke and General Organa came to sign trade agreements. Luke saw some promise in a miner’s daughter, said he could take her under his wing and show her how to use the force. The miner was convinced under the condition that no harm would come to his daughter. Years later, the miner came to the palace, worried that his daughter hadn’t sent any messages for two weeks. As part of my respect for him and his wishes, I sent my daughter to investigate herself.”  
  
Kylo stiffened slightly realizing that I had probably been the one to clean up what he had left behind. Maybe he was worried for the trade agreements. Maybe he thought it all could be a trap.  
  
“She sifted through the bodies and tried to find the girl for days. She tried to burn some of the bodies out of respect. But there were too many. My daughter found the corpse and brought it back.” My hand tightened in my father’s grip and I tried not to portray any signs of anger or frustration or loss. I tried to keep my chin from crinkling.   
  
“I don’t blame who did it. No, I blame Luke, as does my daughter, for not holding up his end of the bargain. He didn’t do what we asked. And therefore we will not trade with him or his sister ever again.”  
  
There was quiet in the room. The. Hux began again. “In the light of our trade agreement and your daughter’s abilities, the First Order has decided to award her the title of Lieutenant General.”  
  
I nodded in affirmation. “When and where will I be reporting, General?”  
  
“You will come with me by the end of today. You will serve on our flagship under me, and report to me. Your first week will probably be acclimating and attending meetings before we give you any projects.” Hux continued.   
  
“I will pack a few things and be ready to go at your leisure.” I responded. I turned to go from the room and then my father caught me by the wrist.   
  
“You know the rules.” He said in little more than a whisper to me. “Play with them carefully. If I lose you again there will be war.”   
  
I nodded at him curtly and went to gather a few things from my room.


	3. How to Topple a Government

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being contentious and an asshole often leads to tension with your superior officer, fun fact.

Every morning started the same: I woke up at six, my quarters lighting up.  I put my hair in a tight bun at the nape of my neck, put on my black button up and pants, tied my boots tight and slid on my jacket.  Then I took my mask off my bedside table and tied it on.  By 6:30 I was on the upper deck. Everytime, before I opened the doors to the head quarters, I stood there, quiet for a moment.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  I pushed the button on the left side.

Hux stood there, already speaking to one of the captains.  He had his usual scowl on, something else I was getting used to.  He had a much more kind face when I first met him.  Not to sound cliched, but everyone has masks.

It had been three weeks of this already.  I kept quiet.  I did my work.  I didn’t get in anyone’s way, unless it was strictly necessary.  Keep your head down, keep in line.  But I had enough of it.  I was not integrating fast enough.  I had assimilated to the culture.  But I knew in order to get further, I had to remove myself from the norm, ever so slightly.  

“We have a meeting at seven hundred hours.  You are to be there.” Hux said over his shoulder to me.  

“Yes, sir.” I replied.

I sat around the conference table, taking a place next to Mitaka. I inclined my head to him and murmured, “How are you?”  
  
He looked at me, almost in surprise. “As well as anyone.”

Kylo Ren walked in, slamming himself down on a chair.  Other officers followed in, staring at data pads.  
  
“I’m glad.” I responded. Hux entered the room, he seemed to be seething. I looked him over and saw that he had a hair out of place. It was almost comical, given the man’s perfectionism.   
  
“There has been a development.” Hux said. “The Denari system has decided to join the resistance. We completely lost the populations of the planet.” He searched the room, looking for someone to make eye contact with him so he could accuse them of some fault in this. Most of the officers looked down at their hands on at the cool black of the table. “More systems are aligning with the resistance. My suggestion would be to send troopers to them as soon as possible to crush this new development.”  
  
I shook my head slightly, realizing how Hux was going about this all wrong. He wasn’t even trying. I knew the Denari system, once.  Studied it.  I knew its monarchy was an unjust one- I knew the agriculture and trade.  I had read the scanner once- some rebels in the south were trying to overthrow the monarchy.  I had asked my father if we could support them, but he argued for neutrality.    
  
“I will send a brigade to the Denari system to make an example of them.” He said. “Any rebellion needs to be ended before it becomes problematic. It needs to be destroyed.”  
  
“You’re inciting war.” I said simply.   
  
“If you haven’t noticed,” Hux said, scathingly, “we are at war.”   
  
“But not with the Denari system. General, from your first steps into my father’s kingdom I could tell you thought our ability to rule hinges on luck and the dull ambitions of our elected rulers. But that’s because you lack vital insight and any ability to see any tactics beyond the one you’re most comfortable with: negative simulation to produce motivation in your followers.”  I said, with a quiet and soft voice, in order to assert myself and still give a sense of power to my words. I carefully referenced my family’s position of power, hinting subtly at the mines Hux and the First Order still needed at this time. Kylo looked towards me with something that might be interest, enjoying how I was criticizing the general. “What you doesn’t seem to grasp, from the maybe half an hour you spent leafing through my planet’s history, is that there is a clear reason as to why my dynasty was kept so intact. And maybe you are right that luck played a role. But you’re not realizing that our rule was a deeply calculated one. Once we got power millennia ago, we kept it through a type of manipulation that we mastered. My forefathers knew to keep rebellions down and people placated, we had to provide them with reasons to stay down. We had to make them grow roots. We made sure they had steady work, and in exchange we have them rights: medical, judicial, a certain standard of living that made them quite contented to stay where we put them. We put into place systems that made them nationalistic without being ethnocentric. We gave them a very careful kind of education that made them empathetic to others and themselves, encouraging them to believe our rule was the fairest possible government for them.  Sure you use propaganda on your soldiers. It was even used on you in your youth if I’m not mistaken. But you need more than propaganda.” I took a shaky breath and took a few steps from my chair, approaching Hux, who was turning blotchy with rage and embarrassment.

  
“If you want to rule the Denari system, you have to make them willing to be ruled. My forefathers demonized the other side of the war. The First Order has managed to do similar. But that won’t keep them under your beck and call. We put proof and action begins our work. We used more subtle approaches than just two weekly sessions of mandated propaganda. As such, we were able to take over the three continents in a matter of decades. We reminded them that we gave them all they had, with each completion of a promise, each step towards a better world, each kindness, right down to our ceremonies.” I paused, taking in breath. The room was quiet, silent at my first words of consequence and my ranting.

  
“Don’t you understand yet? The ruling party is like a father. And no good parent, not in my culture, only punishes. That fosters resentment. That fosters rebellion. You lost the Denari system mostly because you gave them no reason to stay other than the threat of force if they didn’t. You have to give them reasons to stay. You have to give them rights and a life and small freedoms and all the while instill respect by taking your aggressions out on your enemies. You have to treat people right if you want them to lay complacent under your boot.  If you want planets to join you, you can’t burn them down and expect them to be thankful. You are as harsh as necessary, and then you lift the prisoners of war from their feet, promise them and give them a better life, and they will join you in armies to fight.”  I carefully took a step back from him and smiled around the room, a small coy one to prove that I was calm now, peaceful and confident and sure of myself.   
  
“What do you suggest we do when we take these planets?” An officer asked me.

  
  
I glanced at him and tried to force a sort of kindness behind my eyes, a soft look of gratitude. “We destroy the ties with the Republic. We destroy their government. It needs to be quick and bloodless, so precise that the resistance won’t be sure we are even attacking. And we set up our own government, one with that still gives a sense of control and democracy. We continue offering amnesty and resources to the people, in exchange for simply their loyalty. Any captured soldiers we return to the planet. We publicly apologize for any loss, saying that they were brainwashed into believing in some lost and scared people. We need our officers, in their uniforms, on the ground, with the people, rebuilding right next to them. Doing the manual labor like everyone else. Going out to the bars at night and over to their houses, charming them and selling a lifestyle only we can provide. And then we begin the finalization of our onslaught. The propaganda of the republic. Our insignia needs to be on every building, every store, everything they want and need. A reminder of who gave them this life. And, of course, for good measure, we build an education system that sets us up as their saviors, their kind parents. We slowly introduce into our history lessons, and we even show our losses. We hint at our humanity, our grievances. In ten years you will have armies. You will have trained pilots and officers. And more importantly, you will have the loyalty of a star system once sure the Resistance was their only chance at life.”  
  
“What do you believe would be the prime attack for bringing down their government?” Kylo Ren asked, entertaining my train of thought.   
  
“Their planet is based on a monarchy, luckily for us. A very shaky one at that. There is even a current push for a more balanced government in the south, a small one but still usable as a platform. Send in guns and ammunition, along with a few of our more tactical officers to help with the resulting civil war. Make sure only the heads of their new government know who we are. Any further than that, and there may be intervention from the resistance. Assassinate the king and his family. Do it quickly, in less than a few nights. In the resulting power vacuum, the south will turn on the north. If we destabilize the north with several power outages, as they mostly run on electricity, and then burn their major crop fields in the east, they will be vulnerable. Within two months, the civil war will be won. Then send in our actual soldiers, but this time on a missionary trip. They will rebuild any losses. The people will be inclined to trade with us, as we were missionaries to their aid. And the new government itself will know we were the ones that gave them the ability to rule, and will be indebted to us. From there we set up trade negotiations, we subtly invade schools, telling hem about how cruel the king was and how unfair he was. We give them a slightly larger perspective, selling them on the idea that the First Order is the one uniting force in the galaxy, the one group that fought for rights and an end to the chaos. Of course we take over the economy, for extra measure, making sure the venture capitalists are on our team.  And we then rule the planet.” I explained.   
  
Hux’s glare turned thoughtful. He seemed to look me over with some sense of respect, almost as if he was unexpectedly impressed. I took my place again, folding my hands on my lap.   
  
“If we cause power outages in the north earlier, along with several crop burnings, with soldiers dressed in the king’s armor, we could incite early resentment in the north before the south even rebels.” Hux murmured. “We don’t want them mourning for a king they will have to be cursing in a year.”   
  
I smiled widely. “Perfect. Then we can use Denari as a success example. Say that they knew the government the Resistance was trading with was unlawful, and therefore we refused to negotiate with them. But after a new government was installed, we were happy to help bring about peace and order. Systems will see the comparison, and it might set those systems up to overthrow their governments as well, giving us the chance, again and again, to act as hero and help them back on their feet. And then they will turn from the resistance to us.”   
  
“Phasma, how many soldiers would you suggest sending in?”  
  
“No more than 100, General. And we need about three days to gather weapons and false uniforms.” She replied.   
  
“Do it in two.” Hux ordered. “We will have the system by this time in three months.”   
  
We all stood up to leave, but before I could file out with the others, Hux called out to me.  “Y/N.”

I turned back to him.   “Sir?”

Hus came close to me, inches away from my face. “You’re good.  Clever.  But disrespect me again,” he took my face in one of his hands, grasping my chin. “And there will be consequences.”

I refused to give in.  I put my hand on his wrist and tugged it from my face.  “I will work to be more respectful, sir.  Given you do the same.”

He looked at me, evaluatively.  “I believe we can have that mutual understanding.”


	4. Keep Your Mask On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks & trouble with the mask.

_“I’m just saying that there could be a different way of living.” Ben said._

_“We’re here.  I don’t think it’s any good for looking for something else.” I murmured._

_“You really don’t believe it could be better? For either of us?” Ben asked, a little aggression behind his voice._

_“I don’t know.” I said, carefully.  I stood and pulled off my robes.  Ben stared up at me, naked except for my underwear.  I leaned over the dock, pushing myself forward, and dove into the water.  I bobbed above the surface, and smiled at Ben._

_“What are you doing?” He asked.  I swam to him and pulled him down to my level.  “Trying to make some part of our lives a little better.” I met his lips with mine and he pulled me up out of the water a little by my waist.  I kicked a little in the water, warmth better than whiskey moved through me.  Ben let go of me and stood up, taking off his clothes as well.  He lowered him in, and was able to stand in the deep water.  I wrapped my legs around him and we kissed again and again, not able to be sated, like we were starving._

I turned into the canteen and began looking for somewhere, more someone to sit with. I spotted Phasma seated with a few officers and walked over to them.  I sat down next to Mitaka and shot the officers all a small smile.

I called over a droid.  “Could I get a whiskey? Straight and neat.”

“That’s your drink of choice?” Hux asked, taking a seat next to me.  “Make that two.” He called to the droid.  

“What?  What did you think I would want?” I asked Hux, a half-smile playing on my lips.

He shrugged.  “Some sort of sweet wine.”

“I like knowing I’m drinking something with alcohol in it.  I want to know what’s in something.  I guess it’s a vice.”  I replied.  The droid came back with the drinks.  Hux took one glass and handed the other to me.  I took a swig.  I whispered to Hux, leaning toward him slightly so no one else would hear.  “Speaking of which- do you have anything tobacco related on you?”

He pulled a pack out of his pocket and opened a metal case inlaid with some fine metal.  I took one and pressed it to my lips.  He pulled a small lighter from his jacket pocket and cupped one hand, lighting it for me.  I leaned back, whiskey in one hand and cigarette in another.

“So what’s your planet like?” Mitaka asked me.  

“Belala?  It’s a nice enough place.” I shrugged.  “I left my planet very little.” I lied.  “There were things to be done at home- and the one time I went off planet, it wasn’t exactly pleasant.”

Phasma inclined her head, but I didn’t explain further.  “What about all of you?  Family?”

“Not really protocol, to have families.” Phasma said simply.  

“Most of us were raised at the academy.” Mitaka explained.

I sipped my whiskey, letting it send a shot of warmth and fire to my stomach.  

“Are the Troopers allowed to- imbibe?” I asked, gesturing with the glass.

“They aren’t given free time.  It fosters traits we don’t approve of.” Phasma said.  I raised an eyebrow, but decided to not fight with the again today.  Maybe, maybe, I could get some other changes to be made.  But I had to be patient.  

“What was the academy like?” I probed.

“Very- stringent.” Mitaka said.  Hux shot him a look, but Mitaka was staring at me, fascinated.  I could tell the officer was becoming a little intoxicated.  I factored that in quickly.  Maybe I could pull a little more information from him.   

“Stringent?” I wondered.  

“Self-control is key.  We are trying to bring order to the galaxy.  You can’t do that without being,” Hux gestured, looking for the right word, “ordered, within yourself.”

“Understandable.” I said. “I grew up under- not dissimilar conditions.”

“How so?” Hux queried.

“I am a diplomat.  An orator.  A re-” I paused, realizing a small misstep.  “A reader.  Whether or not you believe it actually possible.” I carefully invalidated the ability.  “And I’m next in line to be Sun King.  I was taught to be very careful around anyone- my people, or strangers.”

“A reader?” Phasma asked.

“An old tradition,” I said, “Mostly for ceremony.  It’s believed, or was believed, the Moon vessel could read someone’s intentions just from their hands.”  I threw back the rest of my drink and gestured for another.  Hux did similarly.

“What do you see?” Mitaka said, offering his palm to me.  

“I don’t commonly do it- it’s a ceremony and tradition.  Not a party trick.”  I said.  Mitaka didn’t retract his hand, so I took it in mine, exhaling ever so slightly.

I stared at his hand, the realized my chin was crinkling, my nervous tick.  I quickly smoother my expression.  I took his hand.  I could see his fear, how scared he was of it all, especially of his supervising officers.  He wasn’t a malicious man, but neither was he a good one.  He was trying to keep his head down and do his work.  He did want a family- one day.  I doubted he would ever get it.

“What do you see?” He asked, peering at his hand as if he might be able to see it too.

“What you want-” I said, trying to word it carefully, “you’re going to have trouble getting it.  And you’re right- to do what you do and feel like you do.  Know you can only be brave when you feel like this.” I dropped his hand, reaching over Hux to grab my drink from the droid.  Mitaka stared at his hand, then at me, confusion playing on his features.

“There’s not much to it.  Vast generalizations, and with some personal touches, you can often convince anyone you know them.” I brushed off.

“How were you trained, if you’re next in line?” Phasma wondered.

“Often it was hands-on.  My mother taught me a good amount before she died.  She knew how to be- to act.  She was a very introspective woman.  Tried to pass that to me,” I said.  “Often have me sit with her for hours.  We were supposed to be thinking.  She’d never give answers.  She would just push and push until I got to the end result she thought was enough.  She began to become paranoid near the end- that’s what happens, when you get sick like her.  Degenerative.  She wouldn’t leave me.  She thought someone was going to take me away and hurt me.”  She wasn’t wrong, I thought.  “Told me to never sleep in my bed.  Told me to never to go off planet.  Told me never to leave my father.  She told me a lot of things.” I sighed and took a long drag and gulp of my drink. That was the reason I was alive: my mother had scared me so bad I never slept in my bed.  When Kylo Ren came and stabbed through each bed, slashing them apart, I was on the dock.

_I had heard the screaming, coming from far off.  I acted quickly, slipping into the saltwater and swimming under the dock, breathing in and out, my bobbing head sometimes tapping the wood.  I tried not to gasp for air, tried to control my fear and breath.  Eventually my muscles grew to sore and tired and I had to surface and climb on the dock._

_I walked through the forest, and came to the quarters I had shared with Ben and six other people.  I crawled in, feeling the first bed.  It was soaking wet, and when I pulled my hand in front of my face I could see the blood- oh, Sun, the blood.  I could hear footsteps.  I rubbed my dirtied hand on my face and found a body, pulling it over mine and closing my eyes, pretending to be dead._

_I could sense the light coming on, and  someone walk in.  They kneeled over me, and I could feel their breath on my face.  Calm, I told myself, calm._

_“I didn’t want you dead.” I heard Ben say, so quietly.  “I guess it’s for the best.  But-” I felt his hand touch my cheek.  I held in my air.  “I’m sorry.  I guess.”_

When I came to they were all talking about old stories from the academy.  Hux was a little less stiff, on his third glass.  Mitaka was downright drunk.  I turned to Hux, putting out my cigarette.  

“Off to your quarters?” He asked.  

“I don’t think quite yet.  I might go for a walk.  It’s felt like a while since I stretched my legs.” I shrugged.  “Unless that’s against regulations?”

“Nothing against it.” Hux said.  

I felt an odd tugging sensation at the back of my head, and I froze in that moment.  My mask came off my face.  I quickly covered my face with my right hand, my heart beating itself into my chest like it could brand myself.  I stood up and grabbed my mask, leaving the room in a hurry.  Mitaka- that bastard.  I heard yelling behind me.

“What was that?” Phasma roared.

“I don’t know- I’m sorry- I was curious.” Mitaka yelped.

“Disrespectful!” She continued, berating him.  

I hurried past the tables, and stopped at the entrance, peeking through my fingers to figure out a place to tie the mask back on.  In front of me was a tall man with a mask on as well.  I almost fell to pieces in that moment.  If he saw my face- even for a moment- it would mean my death.  Possibly my planet’s death.  

“Lieutenant General- what is-”  Kylo started.  I turned and stormed down a hall, trying to find somewhere- anywhere.  But everywhere had people.  I stopped and decided to do the best I could, simply fitting it on my face in one swift movement and trying to tie it was shaking hands.  

I felt someone’s hands on mine.  “If I may?” Hux asked me.  

“I would be grateful,” I responded.  I let my hands hold the mask close to my face as he redid the tie.

“I apologize for Mitaka.  He will be-” Hux shook his head, “accordingly managed.”

I still couldn’t steady myself and wouldn’t speak for fear of showing my lack of composure.  

“Come with me.”  He said, pulling me by my shoulder.  We made a few turns and came to his room.  He entered his code and held the door for me.  I sat down on the first space I could find, leaning on a desk.  My head swam in alcohol and nerves.  And the mask- it was only thing keeping me alive.  And I couldn’t properly explain it, but I didn’t want the damn thing.  I wanted to be free.  I wanted to be home, with Julee in the fountain and my soft clothes and happy people.  My knuckles went white, holding onto the edge of the desk.

“Are you… okay?” Hux asked, leaning next to me.  He lit a cigarette between his lips and offered it to me.  I quickly took it and inhaled until my lungs were full.  I didn’t answer him, letting the silence close in.

“If I had any choice, I wouldn’t wear this.” I said eventually.  “I didn’t want to leave home because I was fearful of this happening- that I would end up feeling sick under this thing.  And it happened.”  I sighed.

“Can you take it off?”

“There are rules.” I murmured.  “My face- it’s supposed to be holy.  Only to be shared with my people.” I put the filter between my lips and reached my hands up slowly.  “Does your door lock?”

“I never leave it unlocked.” He said.

“I want to-” I shook my head.

“It’s safe here.” Hux murmured.

“Promise me- don’t tell anyone you’ve seen me?” I asked Hux.

“Out of respect- of course.” He responded.

I undid the tie and turned my face away from him, softly setting it on the desk.  Then I did the bun I had put my hair earlier that day.  I put one hand in my hair and tried to get the part right.  Hux’s hand went to my chin and turned my head towards him.  I stared at him, taking the cigarette from my lips and softly blowing smoke.  He stared at me in return.  

“It’s just a face.” I said, softly.  “A face I didn’t want.”  

Hux still didn’t release my face, holding me tight.  “I see why they might think your face holy.” He murmured.  

“Is that a compliment, sir?” I smirked.

“It is, Y/L/N.”  He softly moved my head to one side then the other.  

“Yours isn’t so bad either, when you aren’t scowling like someone just messed up your perfect hair.” I murmured.

“May I?” He asked, leaning into me.  I nodded, though unsure of what he meant.  He pressed rough lips to my neck, nipping at the skin before roughly kissing me.  I matched his passion, trying not to think about how the last time I had kissed someone, it had been a long time ago, back when he called himself Ben.  It wasn’t like when I kissed Ben- who had been so soft and sweet, all well-meanings and slow movements.  This was fevered and heated.  

“Is this a way of showing respect, Hux?” I chuckled.

“Not especially,” he replied.  

I pushed on his chest, back from me, and took another hit of my cigarette.  He took it from me by the filter and inhaled at well, before putting it out. He encircled one arm around my waist and continued to kiss me. I kissed back, trying to figure out how to use this new dynamic.  

I put on some in his hair, pulling on the strands slightly back to cut the kiss off as I moved to straddle him.  

“Oh, look, I messed up your perfect hair.” I teased.  I looked at him, and he was smirking.  “And you aren’t even scowling?” 

_I lay next to Ben in his bed, my head on his chest.  “I remember what it was like.  With my mother, I mean.  She was kind.  She really was.  But near the end-” I exhaled softly._

_“My mother wasn’t much of a winner either.  She tried, I think.  But she was a leader, a general; I don’t think she knew what to do when it came to more immersive matters.  Like me.  I’d wake up most nights with these bad dreams.  Saying someone was in my head.  Eventually she sent me to Luke.  Rulers aren’t supposed to have children.”_

_“My father- he was good to me.  Even though he had a difficult job.” I said, dancing around my true parentage.  “I want to be like him one day. I want to have a family and treat them right.  Treat them with kindness.”  
_

_“You know, with the vows we take you can’t have kids.  Or a family.” Ben said.  
_

_“When did saying something one day ever hold true the next?” I laughed.  
_

_Ben massaged my arm, chuckling quietly.  “Ever think about leaving this place?”_

_“All the time.  But I have got someone I here I want to stay around.”  
_

_“Me?” Ben wondered.  
_

_“Who else?” I smiled.  He kissed the crown of my head, looking out of the small window in the room we shared with a few other people.  Somewhere, people were laughing and playing and practicing.  And further away, on the horizon, the sun was setting, coloring the atmosphere._


	5. Break Me, Break Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethics, again, and badass-ery when you visit the planet you start a revolution on.

“ _She’s not safe.  Not ever going to be safe.” My mother cried into her pillows._

_I held her hand in one of mine.  She drew me into her arms, pressing me so close I nearly lost the air in my lungs.  My father stood over her, rubbing her arm softly.  
_

_“It’s degenerative- that’s the issue.  We have a few preventative measures- but this late in the progression of the disease, there’s not much we can do.”  The doctor said to my father.  
_

_“What can we do?” He asked, softly.  
_

_“We can make her comfortable.  She’ll be dead in a few months, maybe half a year with some luck.”  
_

_“There’s no luck, with this.”  My father replied, and with a wave of his hand, his dismissed the doctor.  
_

_“My darling, Y/N will be safe.  We have her, right here.”  My father murmured.  
_

_“That’s not enough!  She’s going somewhere- I know.  Going somewhere and she’s going to be hurt so badly- so badly.”  My mother yelled.  I wiggled in her arms, trying to_ _get a little loose so I could breathe again, but she just held me tighter.  
_

_“I’m okay, Mum.  I’m okay.” I said to her, weakly._

 

_*********_

 

_I moved back as Fara took a strike at me.  I blocked the blow, trying to remember the opposite action to each of her actions.  It was difficult- almost impossible at times.  The adrenalin would start pumping and fighting came down to muscle memory, instead of being able to think.  That’s what I could do- think.  What I was best at._

_  
I went for a hit on her legs and landed one, only to be given one on my upper arm in return.  I retaliated quickly.  I jabbed at her, making it difficult for her to block without side swiping me, and then changed my momentum and hit her hard on the ribs.  She swore and dropped her weapon.  I dropped mine as well and checked her for broken ribs.  My natural inclination for so long had been to apologize- but then I was hit a few times, with a lot of force.  From there I realized that this practice wasn’t about building relationships like class was- it was specifically for self-interest, for taking someone else down.  Don’t apologize, do what you need to._

_  
Sipping water from the sidelines, I watched Ben go at it with the metal bars we were given to practice with.  He was a natural, pure and simple.  He progressed beyond anyone in our age group.  He was impressive to watch, at least I thought so. Other people found him frightening._

_  
I picked up my staff and walked over to begin my turn against Ben.  I widened my stance and got ready.  And then he was fighting- he moved in a precise way that could have been mistaken for grace.  It wasn’t graceful though.  Sure, he knew some intimidation tricks, able to  spin the rod in his hand. But when he fought, he wasn’t trying to conserve energy.  He had stamina that allowed him to put a huge amount of force behind each blow.  He fought like he would kill you- no second thought._

_  
I ducked and skirted his blows for a while, knowing that defending myself with the metal rod would just mean he could hit it with enough force as to knock it out of my hands.  I tried to remind myself to go for a closer fight, where he couldn’t build up so much power.  I moved forward and he rammed the tip of the staff into my chest, knocking me over and winding me._ __  
And then, he was Ben again.  Not a fighter, Ben.

_  
He leaned over me, “Did I hurt you?  I-”_

_  
“I’m okay, Ben.  I’m okay.” I smiled weakly, trying to catch my breath._

 

 

I leaned back on the chair in Hux’s room, folding one leg over the other.  He leaned over a data pad on the table, not speaking except to swear softly.  I was finishing reading a strategy plan for the Denari system.  A gift of sorts- I was put in charge of the protocol, under Hux’s supervision.  I had been obsessively studying the First Order military tactics.    
I was capable enough when it came to battle plans.  I had studied all the old formations and manipulations of politics.  But I never had fought an actual war.  I never had sent people out with their lives relying on my ideas.  Compartmentalization became a norm I didn’t like.  Statistics, numbers of Storm Troopers dead and civilians killed- you couldn’t wrap your head around the tolls.  I kept reminding myself something about ‘the greater good’.  

  
I rubbed my temples, trying not to get lost in the thoughts about it.

  
“Is something bothering you, Y/L/N?” Hux asked, not looking up from his work.  

  
In the following weeks from when I had taken my mask off in front of him, we had spent most nights together.  In part, it was to perfect wartimes plans.  Some segment could be attributed to some need I still had- the need to be around people- someone.  And over time, as our relationship progressed, I began to fulfill that need with Hux.  It was again, compartmentalization.  When we were in meetings, at work, we made no motion to directly help the other, to seem at all affectionate.  In fact, we continued to clash.  Of course, it was with much more respect than our first argument, but sometimes I disagreed and would state it plainly.  And Hux, more often than not, would vocally toss my ideas aside, though giving in here and there to some of my better arguments.  Pick your battles.

  
“I- I don’t know, General.” I murmured.  

  
“Your protocol is satisfactory, at least by my estimates.  Is there an issue with it?”  
I glanced to him and exhaled softly.  “I know about war.  I know about something being a means to an end.  I believe that system and trust it.  But when I get back reports-” I glanced at my pad, glancing for a quick number- “like 13,462 people are currently starving due to our most recent crop burning.  It has the desired effect.  The people are weakened, riots are breaking out. But I just-” I paused, biting my lower lip.  I was showing momentary weakness.  I needed self-control.  But the work had been wearing on me- a mental erosion.  I had to weigh whether to speak- it get it off my chest- would that be worth the possible backlash from Hux?

  
“Speak freely, Y/N.” Hux said, softly.  He hardly ever called me by my first name.

  
“There was once a woman on my planet.  Some sort of scholar.  She said that every life has innate, infinite and inalienable worth.  And I can see that our work- it will benefit more than it will harm.  It will bring order.” I mentioned, throwing the old motto in.  “But if a life is worth an infinite value, is it really right to sacrifice one life over another?  Do ends ever justify means?”

  
“You think about this too much.” Hux said.  “You drag in philosophy and philanthropy and empathy.  None of those things win wars.  None of them feed people or give them structure.  This isn’t a question of what’s right or not.  It’s what’s best.”  Hux stood from his chair, leaning on the table and putting one boot on the corner of my chair.  I slid my data pad across the table and folded my arms, looking up at him, all precision and tactics.  I wasn’t those things.  I was not precise.  I didn’t like tactics.  All the manipulation, the lies, the acting and careful wording.  It was wearing on me.  Erosion.  I was eroding.  

  
“You spend your time thinking of morals.  It’s a fine pursuit- in times of peace.  When there isn’t a war to be fought, people on the front lines, order to be created- you can spend all day wondering about what’s good and evil and right and wrong.  But this is war.  13,462 people?  That’s nothing.  A speck in the sky.  A drop in an ocean.  We’ve blown up planets.  Was that right?  I don’t know.  I don’t care.  Was it for the best?” Hux shook his head, smiling, “We die or they do.  And it’s best we don’t.  You’re lucky I find you attractive and useful.  If almost anyone else expressed the same sentiments, I would have them brought to reconditioning.”  I wasn’t sure if that was a threat, but I knew it was a power play.  I had to counter- quickly.  Take back the power or give in?  
I grabbed his collar and stood, knocking the chair I was sitting on away with my foot and straddling him.  He moved in to kiss me, but I moved my lips away, nipping up his neck.  He moaned softly.  

 

                                                                   ********

 

I stood over my data pad, resting on the heel of my left hand and typing with my right.  Today was crucial.  I was in a cruiser, going with Ren and Hux to meet the leader of the southern rebellion.  I knew it was a risky move on my part, but I gambled sometimes.  It wasn’t for the rush of feeling, it was a risk-benefit analysis.  And I could gain a lot.  The First Order could gain a lot.  

  
“Nervous?” Hux asked.

  
“This planet- I’m not sure of it.  They don’t value their women like their men.  I have to be careful.  Seem subservient and still be an authority.  The contradictions could kill me.”

  
“I won’t let you get killed.  You’re too valuable of an asset.”  Hux said.

  
“An asset,” I smirked.

   
For the pilot’s chair, Kylo was being very quiet.  He as usually like that.  Sullen, angsty.  The only time he would speak was to give orders and taunt someone.  

 

I walked behind Hux and Ren, refusing to seem too superior.  We went into the small space that had once been a chapel for some religion now dead amoung these people and stood in front of a man with gray hair and lips like he had just lost all the blood to his face.  I lowered my head in respect.  Two guards came from the left and right.  One patted down Hux and the other Kylo.  Hux glared at Kylo as he seemed ready to bite.

“It’s stupid.  You can’t take away the weapon I actually have,” Kylo said.  One of the guards snickered and turned to me.  

“I wouldn’t search a woman, but I got orders.”  He said.  

I stood still as he put his feet between mine and parted them so he could pat down my thighs, which he did slower than I, or Hux, judging by his expression, wanted.  When he was eye level with my crotch he looked up at me.

“I would like to see you like this again.” He murmured.  

I leaned over him, trying to control anger than was roiling in me.  “If you see me from this angle again, It’ll be so I can properly cut off you head.  Or remove your tongue, if I’m feeling generous.”  

“Darling, like you could.  If I wanted I could take you right now.”

I grabbed him by his hair  and stepped one foot on his bent legs.  Then I slammed his head to the ground with a little too much force, and heard his nose crack.

The other man stiffened and withdrew.  I looked up at the general of the resistence, only to see him smiling and smiling like a kid on his name day.  “I like you.” He said, and pointed at me.  “Come here.”

I walked to him, stiffly.  

“You got a mask.  Why have you got a mask?  Take it off.”

“No.”  I said.

“Take it off,” he said, with my force, an order rather than flirtation.

“You risk my life if I take it off.  You risk my people, too.”  I said.

“Risk is half the fun.”  

“I can’t remove it.”

“Do it.”

I paused for a moment.  “For a trade.  I’ll take it off, if you promise to give me what I want.”

“And what’s that?” He asked.

“You’ll have to wait and see.  I mean, risk is half the fun.”

He smiled at me again, grinning and grinning and grinning like an idiot.  But I knew him, I read about him, studied his tactics.  He wasn’t an idiot, at least.

“Deal.”  He said.

I told myself, so quietly, don’t be scared anymore.  You’re not a child.  Not supposed to be scared.  I undid the ties about my head and let the mask fall off, holding to one of the ties so it wouldn’t hit the ground.  Can’t be scared.  Can’t be scared.  Not a child.  

The general looked over my face for a while.  “Who claimed you?” He asked.

“I claimed myself.” I returned.

“That’s not true.  Who wanted you?”

“A man.” I said.  “A man I knew well from when I was young.  He went insane like my mother.  Bad luck.  He died.  I didn’t.  I wasn’t ‘claimed’.”

“Too bad.  For that, I guess.  And too bad that I have three wives and they’re already too much.”

I nodded my head and replaced my mask on my face, redoing the ties.  

“Now what favor do you want?”  He asked me.  

I smirked ever so slightly turning my head to Hux.  “I’ll take my due when I want it.  Just know you owe me.”

On the ship Hux leaned to me.  “You were playing a very stupid game, and gambling too much.”

“It’s not a gamble.”  I shook my head.  I looked to Kylo, and he had turned his head to hear me better.  “I knew I would win.  You don’t play when you think you can win.  That man, though.  The guard.  I didn’t plan for him.”

“What did he say to you?”  Hux asked.

“He was implying he could have me.  Like an object.  A fucking object.”  

Hux’s hand tightened, the knuckles turning white.  I smirked and continued on, “It was dangerous.  It was ill-planned on my part, but I won the gamble.  We won it.  I will be more- rational in the future.”

Hux leaned closer to me.  “You took your mask off.”  He almost sounded jealous.

“Are you worried about my safety or jealous, General?” I quipped.  I noticed Kylo seemed to move his head to the side, to catch more of our conversation as we spoke more softly.

"Jealous?"  Hux asked, leaning to my ear, and smirking.  "Maybe, maybe not."

 

I glanced up to Kylo Ren, and realized his visor and my eyes were at level to one another.  I could feel something coming off him- something cold and hot at the same time, like anger trying to stifle itself, unsure of where either need was coming from.  


	6. Unmasked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit gets real.

I woke up next to my datapad, which was ringing out some sort of message over and over. ‘Urgent’, it said. ‘Urgent’? It’s six in the morning of a rest day. I picked up the pad and swiped open the message.

Meeting with Supreme Leader. 0700 hours. Hologram center.  
General Hux

I swore, very softly, and slid out from under the synthetic, too scratchy blanket. I took a shower as quickly as I could and tried not to think on the meeting too much. Thinking and worrying would only kill the show of confidence I had been performing so well. But what could Snoke want? Why would he talk to me? What the hell was going on?

I smoothed my uniform on my body, pulling out the wrinkles and re-tucking the shirt. I placed my mask on my face and dipped my head to do the ties. I walked from my room in the slow, measured way. Survive, my head kept reminding me, you’ve got to hide yourself to survive.

I stood outside the hologram center, one foot against the wall and my arms folded in front of me. 0755 hours. I looked up at the sound of footsteps, the careful heel-to-toe of Hux, and stared at the man.

“Do you know what this is about?” I asked.

“I believe the Supreme Leader wants to meet the woman who can overthrow a government,” Hux smirked. He stood in front of me, and his gloved hand went to my chin, pulling it up so our eyes would meet. “Maybe he’s impressed.”

“My mother told me once to never assume, and to never trust,” I contended. Of course, that was my sick mother. The woman who cried and screeched and would hold me so tight the servants would have to pry her off so she wouldn’t suffocate me.

“Your mother was a wise woman,” Hux chuckled, pulling my face to his.

“She was a sick woman,” I responded, and let him kiss me softly, it ending with a light bite on my lower lip.

“General.” Kylo Ren announced. “Lieutenant General.”

I looked at him, surprised he was here, and more that he had arrived unnoticed. My head was not on right, worry making my thoughts and senses dull.

“Ren,” I nodded.

Hux glared at Ren, frustrated he had interrupted our kiss.

“And why are you here?” Hux asked.

“Supreme Leader Snoke summoned me. Why are you kissing an inferior officer?” Ren snapped back.

Before Hux could answer, the doors of the Hologram center slid open, hissing on their rails. I stepped in first, staring up at the snake-like giant sitting on a chair, his form waving and see-through. I crouched on one knee, the universal sign of respect I had learned years ago. Hux and Kylo crouched as well, and all of us looked up at Snoke.

Snoke moved a hand up in the air, signalling for us to rise.

“So this is the masked girl who is conquering a planet for us?” Snoke murmured. “I hear you made quite an impression on the new leader. I watched the tapes myself- it was very… interesting.”

I stared up at him, making no motion to reply in any way. This was the man who killed my friends, this was the man who killed Ben and replaced him with someone who had the same face. This was the man who wanted to burn the galaxy so he could rebuild it in his image. And I couldn’t touch him. And I couldn’t kill him.

My chin was crinkling, and I cleared my face again.

“Speak.” Snoke instructed.

“My name in (Y/N), I come from Bellala. I am the vessel of the moon, first in line for the throne.”

Snoke waved his hand in the air, “I know this. I know all these things. Tell me-” his eyes narrowed at me. “Tell me about your training.”

I nodded. “My mother trained me to take the throne after my father. Before she became sick, she showed me how to-”

“I’m not here to play games, Y/N, not like you’ve been playing with Hux and Kylo Ren,” Snoke stated.

My eyes widened, and I looked left and right. Hux and Kylo had turned their eyes, Hux had fully turned his head, towards me. I kept my mouth shut, fear biting into me.

“I will give you a choice. Either you can keep this facade up, and I will enslave and then dispose of your planet, or you can stop playing your game. And then we can go from there,” Snoke said, leaning forward in his chair.

I stared at the ground, my heart beating like a wild animal in a cage. I knew my choices. And I knew which one was for the greater good, despite the fear and the promises and every carefully laid plan. I reached behind my head and slowly undid the ties to my mask. I removed it from my face, and looked up at Snoke, my eyes wet with tears that I refused to let slide down my cheeks.

I could see Kylo out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to stare at me, and he removed his mask, as if it might be impeding his vision. He let the helmet fall to the floor, his eyes wide with surprise- and anger? No, confusion? Was it hope, or was I trying to see things that weren’t there?

“I thought I killed you,” Kylo said.

Hux looked between all of us in confusion, unsure of what was going on.

“You did.” I replied.

“Who trained you?” Snoke repeated.

“Luke Skywalker was my master, but my training was never completed.”

“What?” Hux hissed. “What do you mean?”

“I am the miner’s daughter. I am the vessel of the moon. And I’m force-adept.” I answered. The whole time, I didn’t take my eyes off of Snoke. “More than all of that, I’m angry. And I will kill you. I will kill you because you killed Ben.”

Snoke grinned, a thin-lipped smile that sent my skin crawling. “Anger is good. Anger is right where we need to start. Kylo Ren will be your master now, and you will train everyday. Any resistance will- well. Pain doesn’t seem to bother you, does it? No. I can see that. Every time you resist, I will kill one member of your royal family.”

I wanted to scream, to fight, to kill. I wanted to snap him in half and see if he bled like someone with a conscience. The whole room rattled, somehow. The bridge to the hologram shook and bent, without me meaning to. My hands were fists and I wanted to crush him in them, but all I could do was make a room of the ship tremble.

Snoke waved us off, a small smirk still playing on his lips. “And you won’t need that mask now, will you?” He asked, as a good bye.

I stood alone in the hologram center, Kylo Ren and Hux staring at me, tears still sliding down my face.

Kylo Ren approached me first. “Why didn’t you say you were alive? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. And I looked into those eyes, so much like Ben’s, especially now.

Hux pushed past Kylo. “You lied- you fucking lied, and played with me like a toy!” He moved his hand up, as if the slap me, and then used it to cover his face.

“I needed to survive.” I said, in way of an explanation. “And I need to keep my family safe.”


	7. Chapter 7

I stood in the training room, staring forward with intensity, trying to forget and live for a moment outside of time and thought and everything that hurt.

Kylo stood in front of me, his mask off. His hair was tousled from the helmet, soft waves down his head.

By him was Hux, still fuming just by looking at me again. His hair was slicked back, but it looked like he had to fight with it more than usual, as if sleep didn’t come after the events of yesterday.

After meeting with Snoke, I was restricted to my quarters. Early in the morning, Troopers came to my room and forced me out. I tried to wear my mask, but in the training room, it was pulled from my face, allowing the light to hit me in full relief. There was shadows under my eyes, bile on my tongue, a blotchy look to my skin.

For a long time, I stood there, refusing to speak.

“I should say it’s good to see you again,” Kylo said, suddenly, “but it’s not.”

I glanced to him, and then to Hux again, then straightforward.

Kylo took a few steps to me, standing in front of me. I tried my best to look through him. “Are you scared?” He asked. “Were you scared when I killed all your friends?”

“Our friends, Kylo. They were our friends,” I corrected, angry.

He laughed, actually laughed, right in my face. “Funny. Weren’t you the one who used to hide from them on the docks? Weren’t you the one who ask me to stay in your bed when you got lonely?” He teased.

Hux stiffened, his face whiter than ever. A soft noise came from him, like a growl.

Kylo turned to him, “I think we need to clear the air, don’t you?” Kylo stepped back from me, smiling. He walked to the wall and threw a blunt object, conical in shape, to Hux. “I’m blocking her connection to the force. Do your worst Hux. Get all that anger out. Give it to her, she’ll need it.”

Hux caught the weapon, frowning softly. He looked at me for a moment, and I grimaced in response, my stance adjusting. He stood there for what seemed like barely the time to blink, and then he was coming at me in a rush of black, red and white. I caught the first hit on my forearm and hissed. The object was heated, or at least felt like that. There was no injury on my skin, but it felt terrible, like I was being burned Then he swung again, and I tried to defend, but wherever it hit, it caused my skin to scream at my nerves. I didn’t want to hit him, didn’t want to fight this fight. But again and again he swung and hit me, and the pain was horrible, beyond words. My instincts yelled for me to fight back, yet my mind was whispering something much more important: what will it bring me? Nothing. Fighting will bring me nothing. Soon I was on the ground, groaning in pain, trying to keep my body small and curled up.

When the pain stopped, I felt my muscles still tensing in fear.

“Are you better now?” I spat at Hux.

“No,” he raged, gasping for air with the effort.

“Good,” I murmured.

Hux raised the weapon again, but it flew from his hand.

Kylo caught it, grinning. “Wasn’t that fun?” He asked, as Hux went to leave the room.

“Does it even matter?” Hux retorted, throwing the door open and storming off.

For a while, I lay there gasping for air.

“I was asking you,” Kylo murmured.

I stared up at him, “Does it even matter?” I echoed.


	8. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is honestly getting hard to be inspired to write for and idk why. Why can't I write, my dudes

“Again,” Kylo ordered.

 

I was strapped to a table, cringing away from his hand as he went, for a fifth time, to my temple.  He put his hand there and I yelled out in pain.  It was like pick was being hammered into my head, splitting it in two.  My body jerked in pain, my fingers forming fists, digging into the palms.  I had begun to bleed yesterday because my fingernail were too long, so last night I cut them.  Any small thing to keep the pain down, something to help.  

 

I could see him sifting in my mind, looking through memories like a toddler looking through a toy chest.  We came to a memory from when I was young.

  
  


_ My mother swam out to me in our fountain pool.  I was splashing at her, laughing with her, as we played in the water.  After a while I climbed on her back and she swam back, standing when she could.  We sat together in the water, leaning on the edge of the fountain.   _

 

_ I took the mask of the moon and examined it. _

 

_ “Will I wear this or dad’s?” I asked her. _

 

_ “I don’t know, darling.  You’re a good reader.  Maybe one day I’ll want to rest and you can be the moon instead of me.  But it’s more likely that, when your father passes, you’ll become the Sun,” she said, trying to be soft in speech.sc _

 

_ “I don’t want things to be different.  I want dad to always be here.  I want you to be the moon,” I replied, handing her the mask in a hand still so small.   _

 

_ “Change is okay, darling.  But things won’t change for a long time,” my mother said, fixing the mask on her face.   _

 

_ I drew patterns in the water for a while, not noticing at first.  _

 

_ My mother’s face contorted in pain, and it wasn’t until I heard her ragged breaths I looked up. _

 

_ “Dad! Dad! Something’s wrong with mom!” I screamed, and a servant came forward, concerned, while another turned to find my father.   _

  
  
  


_ “I did it,” I said to my father, as we stood outside her room as a doctor looked her over. _

 

_ “Did what?” My father asked, only half paying attention. _

 

_ “I did that to her,” I murmured, beginning to cry. _

 

_ My father looked down at me and lifted me into his arms.  “No, no, my little beast, you didn’t.” _

 

_ “We were in the water and I didn’t see she was in pain,” I cried, the guilt pouring out. _

 

_ “This isn’t your fault at all, my little beast,” my father murmured into my hair, rocking me softly.   _

  
  


I gasped, the memory still screaming to me, still trying to draw me in.  I shook in pain, quivering against the restraints, my body trying to curl up protectively.  How many times would I have to be like this? How many more times would I be reduced to a trembling mess?

 

“Fight back,” Kylo said.  “If you don’t fight, you’ll cause your family’s deaths.  It’ll be your fault.”  He was teasing me, taunting me.

 

Kylo sighed, retracting his hand and grimacing.  “You could have been something.  If you stayed with me, you could have been a Knight already.”

 

“As if,” I retorted, still struggling to keep myself in the present, alive, “as if you would have let me have a choice.  As if you would have let me live.”

 

Kylo grabbed my face and forced me to look at him, squeezing my cheeks against my teeth painfully.  “I might have tried.  Maybe I wouldn’t be so weak.”

 

My eyes widened and narrowed, “Weak, Ben?”

 

Kylo hissed as I used his old name.  “Play like that, then,” he sputtered, and went again into my head.

 

This time, though, I pushed back.  I pushed back as hard as I could, against his assault and then deep into him, getting a glimpse at a memory.

  
  


_ “You still think of your past life,” Snoke stated, something you couldn’t argue with. _

 

_ Kylo shook his head, “It was a fleeting attraction, I will remove it from my mind.” _

 

_ “It isn’t fleeting.  Your grandfather was strong.  And it was strength because the woman he loved needed to be protected, and then avenged,” Snoke commented.  “Think of that.  And remember it was you that didn’t find her first, didn’t give her the option.” _

 

_ “Would you have taken her on?” Kylo asked, quietly. _

 

_ “If she was worth anything, maybe.  But you are the goal, Ren.  You are the ends to the means.  Understand that.  I wouldn’t jeopardize my weapon.  And I won’t let you get weak.” _

 

_ “I’m not weak,” Kylo replied. _

 

_ “You’re weak, Ren.  You’re weak because you spend your energies missing the dead.  Don’t miss them.  Use them.” _

  
  


Then, my turn was over.  It was over before it could really begin.  

General Hux was waiting outside the interrogation room.  For a moment, Kylo paused, staring at the other man.  I swear there was a smirk under his mask as he held the door open for the General.  

 

Hux sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall.  We were quiet.

 

“I’m all tied up.  You want to hit me now?” I asked, softly.  

 

Hux seemed to look away from me, almost with some anger or shame in his eyes, they widened and then narrowed with the emotions. “You know, courage is grace under pressure, I read somewhere.  If that’s true, recklessness is making that pressure yourself,” Hux said. 

 

I remained silent, waiting for an explanation. 

 

“Are you reckless or brave?” He asked. 

 

I let the air leaving my lung slowly, then let it come in again, so slowly. 

 

“It matters. The difference matters,” Hux continued on. “Why did you kiss me?”

 

I looked up at the ceiling, at the circular ceiling light. 

 

“Why?” He seemed to start the word yelling, but he voice cracked and he quieted. 

 

“Were you calculating that too? Always calculating? Did you only think of yourself?” Hux continued asking. “Was our Order nothing to you? Our relationship? Our work?”

 

Finally I spoke, “what mattered more to you? The relationship, or the Order, or the work?”

 

Hux stood up from the ground, looking defeated and angry and tired, “I wanted all of it. I wanted to control all of it.”

 

I gave him a small smile, barely letting it grace my face before answering, “You knew you couldn't control me.”

 

“But I can now. I could hit you now. Hurt you.”

 

I tried to shrug my shoulders with the restraints, “Are you happy, General?”

 

“I have never been a happy man. And I wasn't an unhappy one before. But now…” Hux covered his mouth with a gloved hand, as if to keep the words from coming. “I thought we might end up having a good life.”

 

“At the cost of what?” I pointed out. 

 

“Other people would pay the price,” Hux stuttered. “For the Order, we would have to break a few things. Burn to rebuild.”

 

“Armitage, I paid that cost,” I said. 

 

“You watched people die. We all watch people die,” Hux spat. 

 

“But not everyone wants to die afterwards, do they? I gave up my life so many times to do the right thing.” I said, coolly. 

 

Hux stopped where he was, and then moved closer. “You have no reason to try and manipulate me like this.” He said. “You wouldn't hurt yourself.”

 

“You don't know me at all, Hux,” I replied. 

 

“You don't know me either,” Hux said. 

 

“Fair, I don't. But I don't pretend to know you. You're just upset because you thought you knew me and you're all shaken up because you don't. It must be so scary, realizing you've actually got no control,” I stated. 

 

Hux was leaning over me now, angry, his face red like his hair, making his eyes stand out like green fires. “You selfish fucking bitch.”

 

In that moment, I realized I had him. I could still hurt him. And yet, I didn't want to. For the first time, I told him as much of the truth as I knew. “You call me selfish because I didn't love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? I didn't love you. I don't love you. I thought you could be another person to protect me if I needed. So, I am selfish. I learned to want to live and fight and live the right people and you call that selfish. I am selfish. But this is war, Hux. You said it yourself. And you have to be self preserving in a war.”

 

Hux’s face seemed to lose its color as I spoke, paling as he took in my words like something sickening and rotten, “You are just another pawn now. You know that, right? You're just someone else without any control.”  

 

With that, he turned to leave. 

 

At the threshold, I stopped him with a few words, “I've never been in control. Neither are you. And the sooner you see that, the sooner you'll start having to wear masks, too.”

  
He stormed off, and I was left alone on the table, hoping for maybe some sleep before the world started trying to hurt me again. 


End file.
